So did I tell you about my last visit to Bharat? No? Let me tell you! It was an amazing trip. My god so much has changed in the country since I was there last time, a year back, when I came down to visit my younger brother, after our parents died of COVID due to lack of oxygen. I mean, my god! What a difference nine months make. I could see no queues in the hospitals this time. Except for one public hospital I had to pass by where the treatment is free, but you know, in the lane where my parents used to stay … It’s a gated community, you know, just like where I live in LA, oh my god, property rates in LA are so bad. I tell you, I had to sell a kidney to buy a small one acre house, so I decided I’ll shift to Android for a while.
Anyways, what was I saying? Yes, the gated community where my brother stays, not a single person has needed to visit one of those terrible socialist hospitals. I mean, honestly, that’s the old India. But in Bharat, there are these amazing five-star hotels that provide such a great service. What’s that? Did I say hotel? No hospitals, dear. Too bad, my parents did not get a bed there last year, but I got plastic surgery done so cheap, And dental, OMG! Like, in America, no one does dental anymore, they just can’t afford it. It’s dental or iPhone, you know. And you gotta have an iPhone.
Yes, nine months, oh my god, what a difference. The country was called India then. All that Nehruvian legacy, leading to that terrible system which killed millions, despite everything that the great government was doing, and all the money NRIs like me kept sending! And look at it now!
I was traveling in Uber driven by a B-Tech in Computer Science from IIT Bombay, who quit his job in a multinational (no one in India wants to work for multinationals anymore, he told me) to drive Uber, and the lakhs of rupees he earns per month, he triples it with options trading, he was continuously on an app while he was driving, giving voice commands to execute trades. He told me, every Uber driver in the city is into futures and options these days. And crypto. I was so ashamed of my American counterparts.
I was traveling to Gwalior, where I had to sell some land my father had bought as an investment. I couldn’t get business class booking. They told me, the airlines, that everybody wants to travel in business class now, so seats are not available. Last time I traveled, the business class was empty. India! But in Bharat, it’s impossible to get business class tickets on domestic airlines. I even tried to offer twice the fare, to a nineteen year old guy with business class seat, as I waited in the lounge, but he said he had to take a meeting with clients – his gomutra beer idea got funded via Shark Tank India, and his company, Sanskari Beers is going public soon – first thing after landing, and he could not spend two hours in cattle class (you know, cattle, gomutra, reminds him of business too much), before that, so sorry! In India, a year back, I could have got an old businessman in the business class to trade a seat for a couple of twenty dollar bills on the ticket price, I tell you. But not in Bharat!
And OMG, have you seen the mental health scene here? I mean back in India, everyone was stressed. No one would celebrate anything, they were so busy with earning money in a socialist India. But now, everyone is celebrating all the festivals. And that’s why India has no mental health problem! I talked to so many people from the gated community, and no one has ever visited a therapist, forget a psychiatrist. They told me that family functions and meditation cures all mental issues, and in India no one needs therapists. I talked to a couple of therapists, they were ready to talk for hours. Not like in the US where they just show you the clock when your time’s up. They had no business!
When I go back – and I don’t want to, I mean who’d want to leave such a great place, with IIT Bombay B-techs driving Uber, and cooks who have done a PhD in microbiology? But unfortunately, I have to be in the US to be able to send dollars back home – I’m going to connect everyone struggling with mental health there with Sadguru. I mean how cool is he? Dancing and riding motorcycles, and curing depression with a laugh! Only possible in Bharat!
And did I tell you, there is no house-help in Bharat? Everyone just uses apps and someone comes and takes care of everything. Daily new cook (masters in microbiology, minimum), new driver (who is into F&O), new house-cleaner (those few unfortunate who couldn’t win Shark Tank funding), new nanny (child psychology major), you can even book a person by the minute, to load a dishwasher, or to change diapers of a baby! Unlike India, where house-help needed to be paid a fixed sum, it’s pay-per-use. No use, no pay! And all of these service personnel are into F&O in their spare time, to it’s not like they would prefer a steady job with a fixed pay! My brother’s kid’s app nanny taught the kid how to trade! Now he has a portfolio better than mine. And he’s six!
I’m really proud of all my NRI counterparts who are staying outside Bharat (shouldn’t we be called NRBs, like Non Resident Bhartiyas?), missing on all the great things Bharat has to offer. You stay in terrible homes, without all the apps for taking care of your things, and no celebrations, so that you can send money back to the motherland! Such selfless service. But you should go back to Bharat more often to enjoy all the great things on offer thanks to your money! And write threads about it so that more of us know what they are missing. JSR!
Picture Credit (Featured Image): Pranshu Sharma on Unsplash
A Fine Imbalance 
India’s economy is one of the fastest-growing in the world. But is its growth including everyone? As jobs move out of villages and into cities, migration from rural to urban areas follows, on a massive scale. Cities are bursting at the seams.